Need Advice?

Advice for Miss Anticipation

I’ve received quite a few requests for advice over the past month or so while I’ve been MIA. This one actually helped me to wake up a little bit.

“Why don’t you blog any more? I know you don’t commit yourself to blogging regularly…but I was definitely looking forward to a new post about something clever or relatable.”

Dear Miss Anticipation,

I am completely flattered by your submission and I want to start off by apologizing to you. I am so grateful to know that there are people out there who want to hear what I have to say, and I’m sorry I’ve taken some extended time off from my blog.

To explain myself, you need to know that I’ve been dealing with some heavy things in my personal life. Normally, I love to talk things out; that’s how I get through rough times. For some reason, this time, in dealing with all my stress, I’ve sort of stepped back and tried to deal with it internally; I think this was a huge mistake and caused me to lose myself and my strength for a bit.

I won’t go into full detail, but I am currently in the process of signing my first lease – I’ll be (FINALLY!) moving out of my parents’ house. This is a big step for me. Those that know me know that the last time I attempted to move out of my parents’ house, was when my anxiety got the best of me, and I ended up quitting my job, leaving college, and going DEFCON 1. Going into apartment searching and making the commitment, I thought I’d be completely fine. I mean, I’m much better at handling my stress these days…

Shortly after making the commitment to sign the lease, I found out my job may be in jeopardy. Keep in mind, there are minute details that cause my stress level to fluctuate. Any little thing takes a lot of energy for me to process. When you stack everything up, and put it on my plate, I go into full melt down mode. My stress level causes me to be unable to focus, and therefore, not putting my all into my daily responsibilities at work and in my personal life.

In addition, a few weeks ago, I learned that my dad was considering moving out of state to find work. I’ve mentioned this breifly in previous posts, but my father has had some struggles over the past few years. After leaving a company he’d worked at for 25 years, he decided to start his own business. A few years after that, when the economy went south, he lost the business, and has since gotten a degree in education to be a high school math teacher. This didn’t pan out the way we had planned, and he is currently trying to find a job in his area of expertise – which is construction. In Arizona, the opportunities just are not there. He’s tried for months to find openings, but he’s marketing skills that the economy here is not willing to pay for. Seeing his struggle, the stress it puts on my family, causes me to carry this, myself.

My father just made it official the other day that he would be planning on moving to Idaho – where a lot of my family lives, to pursue work there. I am elated and so proud of this decision, because I do think it will be best for my family. But with my anxiety, I spend a lot of time worrying about not being able to spend time with him. He’s my buddy. I’ll miss him dearly, but for some reason, when he broke the news, I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders.

All of this, my personal issues, in dealing with processing so many things all at once, is part of a learning experience. It’s helping me grow, helping me to be a stronger person. I’m a huge believer in “everything happens for a reason.” And all of this needed to happen so that I could learn to exercise strength, and better handle stress.

With all of that being said, you must know that I didn’t mean to avoid my blog. In fact, I think my blog would have provided an escape. But dealing with these things all at once, also exhausts me. I shied away because I don’t like being vulnerable, and all of this is a very touchy subject for me, so please be gentle, and try not to judge.

I’m dealing the best I know how, and I will make a commitment to post more often, and to address the people who have asked me for advice. While I may not commit to a certain number of posts per month, please know that this is my passion, my escape. This is what I’m good at, and what I want to get better at. Writing is my calling; the best thing I can do. And if I can help others while helping myself, that’s all I’ll ever need.

I want to thank all of my loyal readers, yet again, for the overwhelming support and for your patience in me, during this difficult time.

I went to Sedona yesterday, to find my happy place, and to center myself. I can safely say that I’m back, and I will be posting here soon. I have a lot of ideas, a ton of inspiration, and plenty of advice to share with you all.

Thank you, again.

About Keven

My name is Keven. Yes, Keven. Like the boy's name... For those that know me, you know I'm opinionated, outspoken, and one of a kind. I'm here to share my opinions, the lessons I've learned and things that are on my mind. This is an unflitered account of what I'm up to. I'm not here to hurt anyone's feelings, or gain anyone's approval. I'm here to write. If you don't like it, leave. If you do, click subscribe and stay awhile.

Advice for Mr. False Confidence

I received my first “Need Advice?” form this week, after my post about dealing with anxiety. It was filled out anonymously (I’ve decided to call him ‘Mr. False Confidence’), and I’m not sure if it’s completely factual, or if it was completely made up. That’s beside the point, because it posed a very good question. I’m glad whoever took the time to write this reached out because I’m sure the vast majority of young adults are going through or have been through a situation similar to this. I, myself, have experienced this a few times. So I’m excited to share my response with y’all. Below is the message I received:

“What do I do if every time I try to speak to a woman the conversation/message is never continued past the first few words. I like to think I’m the shit? Not in a pompous or arrogant way – I just like myself – no one seems to feel the same way – I have loads of friends and live a pretty healthy social life. I make GREAT money where I am at and feel I’m pretty successful for working at a Forbes associated company at the age of 21. I talk to them and blehhh happens. I don’t think a girl has ever crushed on me or liked me. Even all the relationships I’ve had I feel they haven’t REALLY liked me. It’s an odd life I live. The only problem I’d imagine I have is that I’m like 6’3 and 230 pounds so I’m like 20 pounds overweight but I carry it well… idk maybe I’m just asking to hear “nah man – you just have to wait for the right one” but I figure that everyone else has experienced these things in life and I haven’t. The feeling of being wanted as just more than a friend. All I want in life is a companion to travel – love – and enjoy. Fml hahaha”

Dear Mr. False Confidence, I want to start by saying what I’ve gathered about you from your short message. I noticed you started by being overly confident, then quickly revealed that you do have some insecurities, both blatantly, and between the lines (hence the name I gave you…no offense, of course). I can tell that you’re happy in some areas of your life, but there are things you wish to improve. Which at 21, I’d say is a pretty good spot to be. Hell, I’m only two years older than you, and I’m sittin’ in about the same spot as you. Now, I’m certainly no expert on dating, or relationships. I’m about as awkward as they come, especially when talking to someone new. But I know exactly how you feel, as I’m sure most of the readers do. Basically, you seem like you have some of your ducks in a row, but there’s still some things you want.

“The only problem I’d imagine I have is that I’m like 6’3 and 230 pounds so I’m like 20 pounds overweight but I carry it well…”

The fact that you came out and said this is a “problem” makes it a problem. Personally, I don’t give a shit whether you hit the gym or not. It’s all in the way you carry yourself. If you’re not happy with your weight, you’ll carry yourself that way, and people can sense your insecurity. That manifests, and affects your body language, and the way you act and speak to a woman. We LOVE confidence. Now, I didn’t say cockiness. ‘Cause I can’t stand a cocky guy. Confidence is quiet, subtle, and extremely sexy. So you have to decide – if your weight is something you’re unhappy with, sign up at a gym, start eating healthier. Make the commitment to better the way you feel, for yourself, not for anyone else. If you don’t mind a little extra poundage, then I say screw the shallow girls. You have to either learn to accept yourself the way you are, or change it.

“I talk to them and blehhh happens. I don’t think a girl has ever crushed on me or liked me. Even all the relationships I’ve had I feel they haven’t REALLY liked me.”

I’m calling bullshit on this. There’s at least one girl, somewhere, that has liked you or currently does like you. But it seems to me, that you may be chasing the ones that are friendzoning you or even full-on writing you off.. Meanwhile, you’re probably friendzoning her, or she’s feeling the same way as you – insecure and afraid to talk to you. I see this happen far too often. You are going after the wrong girls. Period. The end. Now, as for the actual part where you initiate conversation. Regardless of your setting, you need to make sure you’re comfortable. As comfortable as you can be in this situation… By this, I mean, make sure you’re happy in your own skin when you confront a lady. Again, that quiet confidence is going to help a ton. BE COOL. Keep it casual. Don’t be overbearing (by the way, I sure hope you’re not talking about initiating first time conversation via social media…I’ll come back to this point). Before you approach her, make sure she’s aware of your presence; you don’t want to freak her out. A good sign she’s interested, is she’ll keep looking in your direction, and making eye contact. Once you do get a conversation started, make sure to keep it relatively short and light hearted, and watch her body language. Girls tend to twirl their hair and play with their jewelry when they’re interested. Another good sign would be how she’s sitting, or standing in relation to you. If you notice her body is turned more towards the door, you’re done. But girls tend to cross their legs when they’re interested, and it’s a good sign if her top leg is pointed in your direction. (Side note: don’t pay so much attention to these signs that you’re not listening to her… that’ll get awkward FAST.) Let her do most of the talking, if possible. And try to make jokes. Girls like jokes; just make sure it’s not overly sexual or super offensive. If this is taking place at a bar, or maybe the grocery store, or somewhere you may not see her again, judge the above-mentioned signs, and if they’re looking like things are in your favor, ask for her number. When you do score her number, do not, I REPEAT, do not text her right away. Again, play it cool. Let her sweat a bit. If you’re talking to someone you already know, and will see again, the same signs apply. The scenario should move a bit slower, though. Have a couple of casual conversations. Continue to say hello in passing. Make sure you don’t come off too strong, but don’t hold back too long so that she thinks you’re not interested. Then she’ll feel dumb. After a few of the casual run-ins, hopefully you’ve been able to narrow down something the two of you might have in common. Use that to your advantage. At this point, you’ll want to ask her out. If possible, try to do it in person, but a text or Facebook message would suffice. But be creative. Find something fun that both of you could do together. Don’t just say, “hey, wanna grab a drink?” Impress her with something more original. Now as for the social media conversations, Mr. False Confidence. It’s almost NEVER OKAY to initiate conversation with someone you don’t know via social media, at least in my opinion. Don’t just go around adding girls and messaging them something stupid like “Hey, beautiful,” especially if you don’t know how to spell. This is creepy… REALLY creepy. And if you’ve done that in the past, and she hasn’t answered you back, now you know why. If you do happen to add someone you don’t know, and you get a conversation flowing, just remember one thing: they have a TV show about these kinds of relationships. It’s called Catfish, and it’s horribly disturbing. Think twice. Now to wrap things up, Mr False Confidence, you may still have some time before you do find that “right girl.” Trust me, I feel your frustration on that. But these things take practice, and you and I both still have lots of personal development ahead of us. Don’t get discouraged; you seem nice enough. But we’re young. You’ve got a lot going for you, and as soon as you stop over thinking things, and sending negative energy into the universe about your non-existent relationships, you may just stumble across someone that this all comes naturally with. Be patient, my friend. As for me, I’m going to hang out with my cat, and eat some Oreos. Good luck.

About Keven

My name is Keven. Yes, Keven. Like the boy's name... For those that know me, you know I'm opinionated, outspoken, and one of a kind. I'm here to share my opinions, the lessons I've learned and things that are on my mind. This is an unflitered account of what I'm up to. I'm not here to hurt anyone's feelings, or gain anyone's approval. I'm here to write. If you don't like it, leave. If you do, click subscribe and stay awhile.